When I tell people I used to be homeless I always get attacked with questions. The most popular is “what was the worst part?”. The answer?  There are no bathrooms. If you have to take a crap you have to search high and low for a place that doesn't care that you'll never buy something from them.

You probably don't realize how good you have it until you have to frantically search for a public bathroom at three in the morning. Those bathrooms were a treasure cove. The best part is that after you did your thing you could use the sink to take a "whores bath", basically a sponge bath using the tiny amount of soap in the dispenser. You could also wash your change of clothes (which were kept secure in your backpack of course). All this was made even more interesting because I have OCD and being clean is the most important thing in the world to me.

After people get bored of the standard homeless questions I always get this one: what do you remember most about being homeless? This is also easy to answer. I remember the day I scammed a scammer.

It all started on a boring suburban street, in a boring suburban neighborhood. When I was homeless I was able to finagle myself into a door to door sales job. It's surprising how many door to door guys are homeless or near homeless. It's the only job that anyone can get because it's pure commission.

I looked up at the house. I took a step forward. I was about to trespass on someone’s property with the sole intent of selling them crappy knives that couldn’t cut an apple. I started to turn around but before I could some woman inside saw me. Through the window I could see her walking toward the door.

I froze. Do I go forward and try to force the stupid sales message on her, or do I turn and run? Each second I didn’t move she got closer to the door. I straightened my back and tried to walk confidently up to the door. I thought about the pitch, the cheesy script that was forced down my throat all morning. I went through it over and over again in my head as I got closer. I don't knock on doors; there's no telling how many germs could be on it. I put my cloth over my finger and went to ring the doorbell but she opened the door before I could.

“Can I help you?” She said.

“Yes actually, my name’s Steve, I represent…”

“Not interested.”

She slammed the door in my face and I just stared at it in disbelief. Crying inside, I stepped away form the house. It was the 20th house that day. I wasn't going to make enough to pay first and last on an apartment. Welcome to another month of homelessness. I gave up. I threw the knives on the ground and walked away. This “job” simply wasn't worth it.

I walked back over to the pile of knives. They were crappy but I might be able to get some cash for them at a pawn shop. I grabbed one of the bigger ones and put it in my jacket pocket. Thank god the pockets were huge.

When I got back to the city I saw him. A tall man wearing a cheap looking suit. I watched as he walked up to someone. A young woman, who couldn't be more than 25. I never would have noticed any of this but he said something that stung in my memory.:

"'ve lost my wallet but I still have my check book, I was wondering if you could cash a check for me and I'll let you keep 100 dollars.”

I had heard that same line a few years ago, before I was homeless. A man had used it and I had said sure. A few weeks later that check he gave me bounced. I had no way of contacting the guy and with a city like New York there's no way you'll see a guy like that ever again. It was a scam.

The girl was smart and said she couldn't help him. The guy shrugged with a smile and kept looking for a sucker. This guy only needed to get a couple suckers a month and he could live off of it. I had a feeling he got more than that though. That's when I got a really evil idea.

There was a bank nearby and it would be the perfect place to do it. I had nothing to lose so I confidently walked by him, only to be ignored. I had to stop and think, how many times could I walk by him? I needed him to notice me, but in a good way.

While I was trying to come up with a plan some homeless guy that was obviously far worse off than me walked up with his hand out. I waved him away but he was drunk and fell into me. I almost puked, he was so dirty. I panicked and pushed him off me, wiping off germs and bugs I couldn't see. This got me the attention of the entire street, but mainly of our little scammer.

He walked over to me and asked if I was okay.

“Yah, I'm fine, I just don't like...”

The guy stuck out his hand as if to shake mine. I ignored it. It had to be covered in germs, probably more than the street guy had. Not to mention I didn't want to touch the scum bag.

“Though, I was wondering if you could help me out.” The scammer said.

There it was. My in. We were standing about a block away from the bank so my idea would work perfectly. This was going to be the best day of my life... Or the worst.

He made the same crap claim to me about losing his wallet and needing to cash a check. I said sure and started walking towards the bank with him. We got there and he took out the check. I was lucky, it was for that very bank. It looked real enough but was either a photocopy or for an empty account he had opened. The check was for 525 dollars.

I let him continue to hold the check and walked into the bank. Confused, he followed me in. I turned around and took out my cloth. I used it to grab the check. I didn't take it though, I simply turned it over in front of him and looked at it quizzically.

There were about 14 people in the bank at the time, a small line up had formed at the tellers and two or three people were standing at the ATM's. This my last chance to bail. I could just turn around and run out of that place and not have to worry about a thing. I wouldn't lose anything and I'd probably never see the guy again. Then the words came out of my mouth.

“I think I'd rather you got me a certified check from the nice teller over there.” I pointed at the teller.

I went white, he went white. That was easily the ballsiest thing I had ever said. The only reason I did it was because I was homeless and had absolutely nothing to lose. The guy turned around like he was going to leave. It took every ounce of strength I had just to extend my hand and touch him. I grabbed his shoulder. I was almost shaking with fear.

“I highly recommend going over to the nice teller over there.”

My knees almost buckled under me. There was a security guard nearby who was looking at us with a confused gaze. I looked to the left and saw a security camera watching us.

“No. This deal isn't going to work for us.” The scammer said.

He was almost whispering. That's when I remembered the knife in my pocket. The big, shiny, new knife. Sure, it sucked and couldn't cut a cooked steak no less human flesh, but it certainly looked impressive. I pulled him toward me and pulled the knife slightly out of my pocket. I motioned toward it.

The guy's eyes went wide. He somehow turned brighter shades of white. The guard looked at us and I pocketed it again. The guy stood perfectly still in front of me. I was literally shaking at this point.  That's when the security guard walked over to us.

“Is everything okay here guys?”

I almost crapped my pants when I heard his voice. The scammer looked at me then at the guard. Was he going to tell him about the knife? He could probably get away with it. Get me in huge trouble. No one would ever believe me about the scam.

“No, no issues here.” I said.

The guard looked at the guy in front of me. He was frozen. Slowly he was able to nod. The guard walked back to his place.

I motioned the guy towards the teller. This was the moment of truth. Hell, he might not even have an account here, he could have easily made a fake check. We walked to the lineup and waiting behind the rest of the people. I hate lines. They are cesspools of disease.

We finally made it to the front. I was sweating and pale, I probably looked sick. The female teller looked at us with a smile. I put on a fake smile, he didn't bother.

“How can I help you?”

“He would like to make a withdrawal.”

The scammer took a wallet out of his back pocket. Strange, a few minutes earlier he had told me that he had lost it. He took a debit card out of it and handed it to the girl.

“How much would you like to withdraw today?” She looked at the scammer with a smile and a twinkle in her eye.

I could tell this was killing him and even with all the fear it felt good. He looked at me. 

“A thousand dollars.” I said.

The scammer's eyes somehow got even bigger. This told me two things. He had the money, and this was going to hurt him. The teller handed him a machine so he could type in his pin. His fingers were shaking as he did it. The teller looked at him strangely but didn't question it. The pin came back as an error. I coughed.

“Hey man, remember that cool THING I was showing you earlier.”

My voice was stammering. I probably sounded like an idiot. He got the hint and typed the correct pin in.

“Wonderful, would you like big bills or small?”

“Big,” I said. “and could you please put them in an envelope.”

She looked at the scammer and he nodded. She went to the back and I got scared. Maybe she sensed something was wrong. I looked around at the cameras and the security guard again. What the hell made me think I could pull this off? She returned with an envelope that had a nice big bulge in it. She handed it to the scammer who in turn handed it to me.

“Thank you.” I said. 

The scammer and I walked out of the bank and as soon as we got out the door he turned on me and grabbed the arm that was near my knife. Years of being revolted by people touching me had given me some insane reflexes. I instantly pulled my arm away, dislodging it from his grip, and I ran like hell. I looked back as I ran, but he wasn't chasing me.